active listening Archives | Think Intentional

Knowing How to Listen is the Key to Success

Listening is an art that most people have not mastered. This is true because we live in a hurried world where instant gratification has become the norm. We want fast food, fast cars, fast computers, fast answers and fast solutions. Surprisingly, it is quite easy to be a good listener if you take the time and can change your life personally and professionally. We need to learn to listen to our bodies, our families, our friends and our coworkers – even our neighbors and strangers.

Everyone wants to be heard. People love to be listened to. Some of our best health improvements and emotional healing begin when we feel like someone is listening to us with an open heart. It gives us the opportunity to speak our truth and to connect with other people. Our stress levels even reduce when we feel truly listened to.

So are you a good listener or just a good talker? The best relationships thrive when two people listen to each other with genuine love and interest. And we are not just talking about romantic relationships either! EVERY relationship benefits when we all have the opportunity to speak freely and without interruption or judgement. Most of us tend to self-criticize enough on our own. People are drawn to those who really listen to them.

What constitutes good listening?

Focus your attention 100% on the other person (friend, spouse, relative, children, client.) Do not let your mind wander to another person, task or obligation.
Don’t think about what you want to say or should say. Your presence and full attention are more important.
Ask questions instead of imparting advice. Do not redirect the conversation to yourself. Try to avoid “why” questions as it can cause some people to go on the defensive, especially if they are really confused about what is going on in their life at the moment. Ask questions, such as “What do you think would happen if you…?” or “When do you feel that way?” or “How will doing “x” make you feel?”
If they stop speaking, don’t feel compelled to speak right away. Hesitate before you respond or ask a question to give them time to reflect on their thoughts. Moments of silence let them know you hear them and that you value what they have to say.
Listen to their worries, beliefs, and goals.
Pay attention to their body language and tone of voice.
Repeat what you heard to make sure you understand what they have communicated to you.
Trust your intuition and remain empathetic. If you feel a hug is warranted or a touch to the shoulder, give it to show your compassion or support. If the other person seems to be distancing themselves physically, give a warm smile and break eye contact to allow them to regain their comfort.
When the moment is right, offer constructive feedback or suggestions on how the other person might make positive changes or get closer to making a decision with which they are struggling. Don’t overwhelm them with more than three to five suggestions. They will need time to absorb what you are saying, especially if their situation is stressful or life-changing.
Be sure to let the other person know you appreciate their willingness to talk to you. This opens the door to a deeper trust and lets the person know you are there for them.

Practice active listening

The above suggestions are part of what is referred to as “active listening.” The more you practice, the better you become at it. Being a good listener empowers you and lets others know you care about what they have to say.

Ways to practice might include the following

Start a conversation with clerks and salespeople when you shop, doormen, delivery drivers, police officers, cleaning professionals at your office, your neighbors, and even people on the phone such as customer service agents who help you with a myriad of services. You’d be surprised how few people even bother to ask how their day is going or to smile at them and wish them well.

Need someone to listen to YOU?

Hire a life coach. They have the skills and the passion to help others find solutions to everything from how to make a decision to how to eliminate anxiety to how to create healthy habits.

“Fools think their own way is right, but the wise listen to others” (Proverbs 12:15).

There is nothing more powerful then the ability to make others feel understood. Imagine the leverage you could have at your disposal if you could accomplish this level of active listening. To be understood is something we crave greatly. In our day in age, we have learned the opposite. Instead of enabling others to be heard, we have declared that their voice has little importance and our argument, beliefs, and actions are superior to theirs.

Part of the problem is our inability to FOCUS. Our voices demand attention and our technology has made it extraordinarily easy for us to communicate. Though the problem still exists, I believe we can master the skill of Active Listening.

Here are three BIG ideas to get you started in the right direction:

1 – Poor listening rejects; good listening embraces.

In my personal life, I have gone through many challenges to become a better listener. Some were embarrassing while others were educational. Still, I firmly believe we will always achieve a sense of inner peace when we shut the noise out and listen. Poor listening rejects ideas, opportunities, and fulfilling relationships with the people we love. Good listening embraces the idea of empathy. What are they feeling? How are their emotions being projected through their body language?

2 – There is wisdom in listening.

Great listeners understand how to build the potential in others. When I want to lean in and understand someone deeply, I mimic their breathing. This allows me to feel what they are feeling, see what they are seeing, and communicate appropriately. How are you using the information being received? Are you communicating effectively? Could you improve? How?

3 – Don’t repeat yourself.

I can recall many times when I felt the need to repeat myself. It’s a hard habit to break, but through perseverance and determination I believe this is no longer an issue for me (at least I’ve been told). We have so many communication habits that inhibit our listening, that unless we do something about it – we will never really reach our potential to have powerful and influential relationships. Repeating yourself unless asked to is condescending. Don’t repeat yourself, it will undermine your status and will affect your ability to build rapport. Is this a habit you need to break? How are you performing? Ask the people you trust for honest feedback.